Friday, December 17, 2004

Dual-Use Technology

Many people are aware that the state legislatures of Alabama, Georgia and Texas have laws forbidding the marketing of vibrators. Now, however, it transpires that cellphones are being used as vibrators.

So what's the solution, if you're someone who wants to crack down on machine-aided forms of self-stimulation? Do you outlaw downloads of programs like Purring Kitty? Do you outlaw phone attachments like the ones offered at Dial-An-Orgasm? Or do you force phone manufacturers to stop offering "vibrate" alerts?

And what about the children? When you give your teen daughter a cellphone, aren't you running the risk of turning her into a compulsive masturbatrix? Would you not reproach yourself if, thanks to your thoughtlesness, she forsook childhood's wholesome amusements, and became yet another slack-jawed, hollow-eyed victim of unbridled lubricity? Shouldn't there be parental controls that will block the phone's ability to vibrate unless a code is entered?

I suspect that absurd questions like these are currently bedeviling the brains of our nation's most prominent busybodies.


Anonymous said...

Thank Koresh for My life would definitely be a lot less fun without it.

Phila, if you want a really, really good laugh about the insanity that is Texas, let me bring you up to date in the Exotic Dancer wars here in San Antonio.

Lap dances were banned here about a year or so ago. A dancer cannot get any closer than 3 feet from a patron. Oooookay.

Then strippers were barred from taking off ALL their clothes. I didn't read the actual law to find out what qualified as "not fully nude." I'm afraid I'd start laughing and not be able to stop.

And now for the Latest Folly. Are you ready?

The city of San Antonio now wants strippers to wear a dance permit on their person when dancing. My first question...Um... WHERE WILL THEY PUT IT?

Ah, the contortions people will go through to regulate naughty behavior. I mean, the farce never ends.

And y'all wonder why I live in Texas. Where else do tax dollars pay for farce this delicious?

Anonymous said...


Belated signature for above post


And having no marketing of vibrators certainly doesn't keep women from having access to them. Not in San Antonio, anyway.