Human Filth, and Proud of It!

When we last caught up with the intrepid Captain Ed, he was contorting history and logic to argue that Patrick Henry was a "chickenhawk" who could fairly be viewed as Ed's spiritual godfather.

The laughter died down, eventually. But it's clear that Ed's spinelessness and hypocrisy have been bothering him almost as much as they bother people whose moral compasses work properly.

Now, all that's about to change.

But first, a little background. What you have to understand about Captain Ed is that unlike the soldiers who are fighting and dying in Iraq and Afghanistan, he's got a family. Also, unlike anyone stationed in Iraq or Afghanistan, a member of his family is chronically ill.

As we all know, our volunteer military is brimming over with eager recruits. There are regiments of friendless orphans. There are battalions of test-tube babies. There are platoons of broken men who are courting death in hopes of forgetting that dame in Macao. Throw in the offspring of the overbreeding minorities who crowded Tom DeLay out of Vietnam, and you can see how there'd be no room for El Capitán even if he didn't wet his pants at the thought of personally facing the violence he cheers from the bridge of his imaginary starship.

Not all of us understand this, sad to say, and so we've continued to call him a chickenhawk. Now, though, he's come up with the Final Solution. Like other oppressed minorities, he's chosen to co-opt the pejorative language used against him. Henceforth, when you call Captain Ed a chickenhawk, he'll agree with you:

Frank J of IMAO, Derek Brigham of Freedom Dogs, and I have decided to create -- for real -- the 101st Fighting Keyboardists and adopt the chicken hawk as our mascot. First of all, the term "fighting keyboardist" describes our efforts pretty well, and we think the pseudo-military terminology is pretty danged amusing. Derek himself designed the logo.

And why the chicken hawk? When we looked into it, it turns out that the chicken hawk is a pretty impressive predator. It's the largest of its family. This species vigorously defends its territory, getting even more aggressive when the conditions get harshest. It adapts to all climates. Most impressively, it feeds on chickens, mice, and rats.

"Getting even more aggressive when the conditions get harshest," eh? Sounds pretty impressive, 'til you realize it translates as "The deeper the hole, the faster we dig."

In addition to its connotation of cowardice, "chickenhawk" refers to an older man who preys sexually on young boys. Whatever Ed's predilections may be - and I have no reason to doubt that they're both lawful and honorable - the term does have a certain unhappy resonance for today's GOP.

As for the Chickenhawk logo, it sports an adorably Teutonic black eagle. For those who fondly remember the Wehrmacht, there can be no warmer tribute.

For my part, I'd like to announce that Captain Ed is a blood-drenched, warmongering sewer rat. This, I hasten to add, is a good thing. It's no shame to be figuratively drenched in the blood of Islamofascists (and their children and neighbors), nor is there any shame in agitating (from a position of perfect safety) for a just war. And sewer rats are among the hardiest of beasts; they live by their wits in an implacably hostile environment, and strike terror into the hearts of all who see them.

Where should I mail your t-shirt, Cappy?