Monday, July 23, 2007

The Monkey's Paw


It was a dark and stormy night. Professor Denys Glenlorn was sitting at his desk, attempting to calculate how much weight he could lift if he were equipped with a mechanized exoskelton.

“Someone’s at the door,” called Mrs. Glenlorn.

The Professor hoisted himself to his feet. “That’ll be Major Bloodloss from next door. He said he had something he wanted to show me.”

He pressed the automatic door-opener, and picked up his Heckler & Koch HK416 hopefully, in case he should prove to be mistaken about the bona fides of his visitor.

Moments later, Major Bloodloss strode in. He glanced at the Professor’s gun and laughed. “Better luck next time,” he said.

The Major took a seat by the fire, and grabbed greedily at the tumbler of whiskey proffered by Mrs. Glenlorn. Five glasses later, he was talking expansively about his role in the liberation of Grenada, and the dangers of allowing menstruating women to abide in foxholes, and the queer customs that prevail in foreign lands.

"That's all very interesting," said the Professor. "And yet, I feel that in some ways, I’ve led a more exciting life than you, thanks to the Internet. For instance, you can only fight in one war at a time. But I can fight in as many browser windows as I can open.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” the old soldier muttered. “What a hopelessly deluded little piss-ant you are.”

The Professor picked up an electrified ear-trumpet devised for him by Ray Kurzweil, and placed the narrow end into his ear canal; a light at the other end pulsed in response to the rhythms of human speech, as though it were animated by some otherworldly intelligence. “Pardon me?”

“Nothing,” said the Major.

“What was that you were telling me the other day about a monkey's paw, or something?"

The Major fumbled in his pocket, and pulled out a hideous, wizened little paw with matted tufts of pale hair around its wrist. “Bought it in France at a street market. The fellow said it’d grant its owner three wishes.”

The Professor snorted. “That’s socialism for you.”

“That’s what I thought, too. But it works. All you have to do is hold it aloft in your right hand, and say out loud what you want.”

The Professor took the paw and looked at it thoughtfully. “Can I try it?”

“I wouldn’t if I were you,” said the Major.

Professor Glenlorn held the paw aloft and said, “I want the president to invade and occupy Iraq.”

Nothing happened. For a moment, the Professor looked as though he might burst into tears. The Major gestured towards the television. The Professor turned it on, and was astonished to behold many interesting scenes of calamity and bloodshed. Iraqis were being beaten, sexually tortured, and even murdered. Car bombs were exploding in markets and outside mosques. Hundreds of thousands of Iraqis were dead, as were thousands of American soldiers. The cost of the war was skyrocketing, and wounded Americans – many of whom had been redeployed to Iraq multiple times - were being neglected in filthy hospitals.

“It worked!” he shrieked. "This is marvelous!"

“Don’t you see?” cried the Major. “You got your wish, but it brought nothing but disaster!”

“I suppose you’d like Saddam back, eh?” sneered the Professor. “Defeatism like yours can’t be tolerated in a time of war.” He raised the paw again and said, “I want George W. Bush to use every available tool in the fight against Islamofascism.”

No sooner had he pronounced these words than the Major vanished, and the war coverage was replaced by a rerun of Green Acres. The Professor was so exceedingly pleased by this further demonstration of the paw’s efficacy that several moments passed before he comprehended that the walls of his house – and of every other house on the street – were now made of transparent plastic. There was an itching sensation in his left wrist; he glanced down, and his acute mind instantly understood that he’d been implanted with some sort of RFID tracking device.

“One step nearer to our transhuman future!” he ejaculated. “The paw works perfectly. There's no downside at all, that I can see.”

He toyed with it pensively. “I’ve only got one wish left. I’ll have to make it a good one.”

“You’ve got mail,” his computer said. “Thanks,” replied the Professor, who was endeavoring to meet the changing demands of etiquette in an age of intelligent machines.

He walked over to his desk, and read with considerable interest the e-mail that had just been delivered.

He glanced slyly at his wife, who was slumped in the corner, crying softly. He raised the paw and whispered, “I want to get up and stay up. All night, every night.”

And so he did, until the day he died. For the monkey’s paw had given him a conscience.

31 comments:

Thers said...

This is the greatest blog post ever written by someone who isn't me.

Disgusted in St. Louis said...

This post deserves to be added to the parodies list in Wikipedia ;^)

MarkC said...

Bravo!

Peter said...

no idea what it means, but kinda cool.

seems to make fun of the perfessor - that's a good thing.

Gaurav said...

Good ..
Hey You can view my Blog its also Good

P. Drāno said...

I think it's appropriate to say that you rock here.

Rmj said...

I don't believe it.

You can't give a conscience to a rock.

spinoza said...

A wonderful piece. Better than James Hynes. And thank god neither NTodd nor Simels got those three wishes!

ntodd said...

I was unable to suspend my disbelief.

Nancy Willing said...

I am glad I read this in the morning - nightmare material.

I know a few more places that will be linking to this~!

nash said...

Beautiful! Yet sublime!

You actually had me in a state of tension, wondering what the third wish would be but not wanting to spoil the process of getting to it. That final line is like a sucker punch to the soul.

Mageffingnicent.

--nash
Categorical Aperitif

Anonymous said...

Any post that references Zamjatin is beyond good!

Anonymous said...

This post is a tragedy for anyone that reads this post will never read real literature.

Desi said...

Fuckin' A!

four legs good said...

Awesome, but where are the nudibranches in this tale?

Rmj said...

It lacks the versimilitude it would gain if you'd only included, as the second sentence: "Suddenly, a shot rang out!"

Phila said...

It lacks the versimilitude it would gain if you'd only included, as the second sentence: "Suddenly, a shot rang out!"

Could use some dames, too...the kind with plenty 'o thems 'n' those.

ellroon said...

Excellent. Even if you didn't have a shot ringing out, you did start out with the classic dark and stormy night.

inwowgold said...

WoW Accountbuy wow gold,wow power leveling,Cheap WoW Accountwow gold,Hudson, Dunn declare free agencyworld of warcraft gold,cheap wow gold,world of warcraft power leveling,world of warcraft gold,buy wow gold,Buy WoW Accountbuy wow gold,wow power leveling,ffxi gil,ffxi gil,world of warcraft power leveling,World of Warcraft Account,sell wow gold,wow power level,wow gold for sale,power leveling,,wow power level,WoW Accounts for Sale, faith and creditwow gold for sale,power levelingwow power level,buy cheap wow gold.Gold

sexy said...

情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,按摩棒,跳蛋,充氣娃娃,情境坊歡愉用品,情趣用品,情人節禮物,情惑用品性易購,A片,視訊聊天室,視訊,視訊聊天,視訊交友網,免費視訊聊天,聊天室,UT聊天室,免費視訊,視訊交友,免費視訊聊天室,A片,A片

免費A片,AV女優,美女視訊,情色交友,免費AV,色情網站,辣妹視訊,美女交友,色情影片,成人影片,成人網站,A片,H漫,18成人,成人圖片,成人漫畫,情色網,日本A片,免費A片下載,性愛

A片,色情,成人,做愛,情色文學,A片下載,色情遊戲,色情影片,色情聊天室,情色電影,免費視訊,免費視訊聊天,免費視訊聊天室,一葉情貼圖片區,情色,情色視訊,免費成人影片,視訊交友,視訊聊天,視訊聊天室,言情小說,愛情小說,AIO,AV片,A漫,av dvd,聊天室,自拍,情色論壇,視訊美女,AV成人網,色情A片,SEX,成人圖片區

情趣用品,A片,免費A片,AV女優,美女視訊,情色交友,色情網站,免費AV,辣妹視訊,美女交友,色情影片,成人網站,H漫,18成人,成人圖片,成人漫畫,成人影片,情色網


情趣用品,A片,免費A片,日本A片,A片下載,線上A片,成人電影,嘟嘟成人網,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,微風成人區,成人文章,成人影城,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,臺灣情色網,色情,情色電影,色情遊戲,嘟嘟情人色網,麗的色遊戲,情色論壇,色情網站,一葉情貼圖片區,做愛,性愛,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,視訊聊天室,視訊交友網,免費視訊聊天,美女交友,做愛影片

av,情趣用品,a片,成人電影,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,成人文章,成人影城,愛情公寓,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,情色電影,aio,av女優,AV,免費A片,日本a片,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,聊天室,美女交友,成人光碟

情趣用品.A片,情色,情色貼圖,色情聊天室,情色視訊,情色文學,色情小說,情色小說,色情,寄情築園小遊戲,情色電影,色情遊戲,色情網站,聊天室,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,美女視訊,辣妹視訊,視訊聊天室,視訊交友網,免費視訊聊天,免費A片,日本a片,a片下載,線上a片,av女優,av,成人電影,成人,成人貼圖,成人交友,成人圖片,18成人,成人小說,成人圖片區,成人文章,成人影城,成人網站,自拍,尋夢園聊天室

runescape-shop said...

runescape gold
runescape money
runescape power leveling
runescape powerleveling
runescape powerleveling
runescape power leveling
aoc power leveling
nike shoes
jordan shoes
jordan shoes
nike dunk
costume jewelry
handmade jewelry
fashion jewelry
wholesale jewelry

buy wow gold said...

Today, the Microsoft-owned in-game ad agency said that it has signed an exclusive multiyear agreement with Blizzard. Azerothians opposed to seeing in-game ads in their localworld of warcft goldwatering holes need not worry, however, because the deal is limited to Blizzard's Web sites and Battle.net,the game maker's online-gaming hub. Terms of the deal were not announced, but Massive did note that the agreement is applicable to users in the US, Canada, Europe, South Korea, and Australia.
buy wow gold

Massive also said today that it would be extending its aforementioned deal with Activision to encompass an additional 18 games appearing on the Xbox 360 and PC.cheap wow goldThe agency didn't fully delineate which would fall under this deal, though it did call out Guitar Hero: World Tour, James Bond: Quantum of Solace, and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,buy wow items as well as games in its Tony Hawk and AMAX Racing franchises.Shortly before Activision and Vivendi announced their deal of the decade,wow power levelingthe Guitar Hero publisher signed on to receive in-game advertisements from Massive Inc for a number of its Xbox 360 and PC games. A bit more than a year later, Massive is now extending its reach to Activision's new power player, Blizzard Entertainment.buy wow gold from our site ,you'll get more surprises!

said...

A片,A片,成人網站,成人漫畫,色情,情色網,情色,AV,AV女優,成人影城,成人,色情A片,日本AV,免費成人影片,成人影片,SEX,免費A片,A片下載,免費A片下載,做愛,情色A片,色情影片,H漫,A漫,18成人

a片,色情影片,情色電影,a片,色情,情色網,情色,av,av女優,成人影城,成人,色情a片,日本av,免費成人影片,成人影片,情色a片,sex,免費a片,a片下載,免費a片下載

情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣

A片,A片,A片下載,做愛,成人電影,.18成人,日本A片,情色小說,情色電影,成人影城,自拍,情色論壇,成人論壇,情色貼圖,情色,免費A片,成人,成人網站,成人圖片,AV女優,成人光碟,色情,色情影片,免費A片下載,SEX,AV,色情網站,本土自拍,性愛,成人影片,情色文學,成人文章,成人圖片區,成人貼圖

視訊聊天室,辣妹視訊,視訊辣妹,情色視訊,視訊,080視訊聊天室,視訊交友90739,美女視訊,視訊美女,免費視訊聊天室,免費視訊聊天,免費視訊,視訊聊天室,視訊聊天,視訊交友網,視訊交友,情人視訊網,成人視訊,哈啦聊天室,UT聊天室,豆豆聊天室,
聊天室,聊天,色情聊天室,色情,尋夢園聊天室,聊天室尋夢園,080聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室,柔情聊天網,小高聊天室,上班族聊天室,080中部人聊天室,中部人聊天室,成人聊天室,成人,一夜情聊天室,一夜情,情色聊天室,情色,美女交友

Anonymous said...

搬家 搬家 搬家公司 徵信社 徵信 彩妝造型 新娘秘書 票貼 室內設計 室內設計 徵信 徵信社 外遇 徵信 徵信社 外遇 搬家 搬家 花蓮民宿 花蓮民宿 免費a片 a片 免費av 色情影片 情色 情色網 色情網站 色情 成人網 成人圖片 成人影片 18成人 av av女優 情慾 走光 做愛 sex H漫 免費a片 a片 免費av 色情影片 情色 情色網 色情網站 色情 成人網 成人圖片 成人影片 18成人 av av女優 情慾 走光 做愛 sex H漫 a片 アダルト アダルト アダルトサイト アダルトサイト 離婚 抓姦 外遇蒐證 外遇抓姦 外遇 侵權 仿冒 應收帳款 工商徵信 Shade sail nike shoes 水泵 电动隔膜泵 自吸泵 离心泵 磁力泵 螺杆泵 化工泵 水泵 电动隔膜泵 自吸泵 离心泵 磁力泵 螺杆泵 化工泵 水泵 电动隔膜泵 自吸泵 离心泵 磁力泵 螺杆泵 化工泵 隔膜泵 气动隔膜泵 隔膜泵 气动隔膜泵 隔膜泵 气动隔膜泵 a片 成人網站 成人影片 寵物用品 情趣用品 情趣用品 MBA 在职研究生 在职博士 補習班 花店 花店 補正下着 中古車買賣 貸款 婚紗 婚紗攝影 補習班 留學 情色 情色 百家乐 轮盘 21点 德州扑克 百家乐系统 真人娱乐场 百家乐 足球 德州扑克 电子游戏 英格兰超级联赛 德国甲组联赛 意大利甲组联赛 西班牙甲组联赛 法国甲组联赛欧冠杯 英超 足球比分 足球彩票 体育彩票 即时比分 堆高機 婚禮佈置 宜蘭民宿推薦 寵物用品 情趣用品 情趣用品 坐月子 植牙 牙齒矯正 租屋 催眠 房屋出租 租房子 xo醬 牛軋糖 牛嘎糖 代償 房屋貸款 信用貸款 失眠 減肥 眼鏡 金門高梁酒 變頻洗衣機 票貼 借款 關鍵字廣告 租車

husha said...

WoW shares many wow gold of its features with previously launched games. Essentially, you battle with monsters and traverse the countryside, by yourself or as a team, find challenging tasks, and go on to higher cheap wow gold levels as you gain skill and experience. In the course of your journey, you will be gaining new powers that are increased as your skill rating goes up. All the same, in terms of its features and quality, that is a ture stroy for this.WoW is far ahead of all other games of the genre the wow power leveling game undoubtedly is in a league of its own and playing it is another experience altogether.[wow7gold]
Even though WoW is a wow gold for sale rather complicated game, the controls and interface are done in buy warhammer gold such a way that you don't feel the complexity. A good feature of the game is that it buy wow items does not put off people with lengthy manuals. The instructions cannot be simpler and the pop up tips can help you start playing the game world of warcraft gold immediately. If on the other hand, you need a detailed manual, the fastgginstructions are there for you to access.
Buy wow gold in this site, ibgibg k4gold and pvpsky .

inwowgold said...

buy wow gold,cheap wow gold,WoW Account,wow gold,buy wow gold,wow power leveling,Cheap WoW Account,wow gold,wow gold,world of warcraft gold,cheap wow gold,world of warcraft power leveling,world of warcraft gold,buy wow gold,Buy WoW Account,buy wow gold,wow power leveling,ffxi gil,ffxi gil,world of warcraft power leveling,wow gold,World of Warcraft Account,buy wow gold,sell wow gold,wow power level,wow gold for sale,power leveling,,wow power level,WoW Accounts for Sale,wow gold for sale,power leveling,cheap wow gold,wow power level,buy cheap wow gold.

buy wow gold said...

WoW shares many wow gold of its features with previously launched games. Essentially, you battle with monsters and traverse the countryside, by yourself or as a team, find challenging tasks, and go on to higher cheap wow gold levels as you gain skill and experience. In the course of your journey, you will be gaining new powers that are increased as your skill rating goes up. All the same, in terms of its features and quality, that is a ture stroy for this.WoW is far ahead of all other games of the genre the wow power leveling game undoubtedly is in a league of its own and playing it is another experience altogether.
Even though WoW is a wow gold cheap rather complicated game, the controls and interface are done in buy warhammer gold such a way that you don't feel the complexity. A good feature of the game is that it buy wow items does not put off people with lengthy manuals. The instructions cannot be simpler and the pop up tips can help you start playing the game buy cheap world of warcraft gold immediately. If on the other hand, you need a detailed manual, the instructions are there for you to access. Buy wow gold in this site,good for you ,WoW Gold, BUY WOW GOLD.

三國美女 said...

(法新社倫敦四日電) 英國情色大亨芮孟的公司昨天說,芮孟日前去世,享壽八十二歲;這位成人網站a片價上億的房部落格地產開發商,曾經在倫敦成人網站推出第色情一場脫衣舞表演。


a片下載芮孟的財產色情a片估計達六億五千萬英鎊(台幣將近四百億),由於他情色視訊情色下事情色電影業大多分avdvd布在倫敦夜成人影片生活成人影片av女優成人電影活區,因此擁有成人網站「蘇活之王」的稱號。成人


他的公司日本av「保羅芮孟集團」旗下發av行多種情色雜誌,包括「Razzle」、「男性世界」以及「情色Mayfair」。


芮孟本名傑福瑞色情影片.安東尼.奎恩成人,父親為搬運承包av女優商。芮孟十五歲離開學校,矢言要在表演事業留名,成人電影起先表演讀av女優心術,後來成為巡迴歌a片部落格雜耍AV片表演a片成人影片製作人。


成人光碟多評論家認為,他把情色表演帶進情色電影av流社會,一九a片五九年主持破天荒的脫衣舞表演,後來更靠著在av蘇活區與倫敦西區開發房a片下載地產賺得大色情筆財色情富。


部落格有人形容芮av孟是英sex國的海夫納,地位等同美國的「花花公子」創辦人海夫納。

liveshow said...

視訊交友90739 - 18成人視訊交友90739 - 18成人視訊交友90739 - 18成人成人免費視訊聊天室成人免費視訊聊天室成人免費視訊聊天室成人免費視訊聊天室成人免費視訊聊天室成人免費視訊聊天室成人免費視訊聊天室成人免費視訊聊天室成人免費視訊聊天室成人免費視訊聊天室免費視訊聊天室免費視訊聊天室免費視訊聊天室免費視訊聊天室免費視訊聊天室免費視訊聊天室免費視訊聊天室免費視訊聊天室免費視訊聊天室免費視訊聊天室視訊聊天視訊聊天視訊聊天視訊聊天視訊聊天視訊聊天視訊聊天視訊聊天視訊聊天視訊聊天情人視訊網情人視訊網情人視訊網情人視訊網情人視訊網情人視訊網情人視訊網情人視訊網情人視訊網情人視訊網情色視訊聊天室情色視訊聊天室情色視訊聊天室情色視訊聊天室情色視訊聊天室情色視訊聊天室情色視訊聊天室情色視訊聊天室情色視訊聊天室情色視訊聊天室情色免費視訊情色免費視訊情色免費視訊情色免費視訊aa片免費看微風論壇080哈啦聊天室6k聊天室成人聊天室上班族捷克論壇大眾論壇plus論壇080視訊聊天室520視訊聊天室尋夢園上班族聊天室成人聊天室上班族 a片a片影片免費情色影片免費a片觀看小弟第貼影片區免費av影片免費h影片試看 H漫 - 卡通美女短片小魔女貼影片免費影片觀賞無碼a片網美女pc交友相簿美女交友-哈啦聊天室中文a片線上試看免費電影下載區免費試看a短片免費卡通aa片觀看女優影片無碼直播免費性感a片試看日本AV女優影音娛樂網日本av女優無碼dvd辣妹視訊 - 免費聊天室美女交友視訊聊天室080免費視訊聊天室尋夢園聊天室080苗栗人聊天室a片下載日本免費視訊美女免費視訊聊天

buy wow gold said...

WoW shares many wow gold of its features with previously launched games. Essentially, you battle with monsters and traverse the countryside, by yourself or as a team, find challenging tasks, and go on to higher cheap wow gold levels as you gain skill and experience. In the course of your journey, you will be gaining new powers that are increased as your skill rating goes up. All the same, in terms of its features and quality, that is a ture stroy for this.WoW is far ahead of all other games of the genre the wow power leveling game undoubtedly is in a league of its own and playing it is another experience altogether.

Even though WoW is a wow gold cheap rather complicated game, the controls and interface are done in buy warhammer gold such a way that you don't feel the complexity. A good feature of the game is that it buy wow items does not put off people with lengthy manuals. The instructions cannot be simpler and the pop up tips can help you start playing the game buy cheap world of warcraft gold immediately. If on the other hand, you need a detailed manual, the instructions are there for you to access. Buy wow gold in this site,good for you ,WoW Gold, BUY WOW GOLD.

buy wow gold said...

WoW shares many wow gold of its features with previously launched games. Essentially, you battle with Cheapest wow gold monsters and traverse the countryside, by yourself or as a buy cheap wow gold team, find challenging tasks, and go on to higher Cheap Wow Gold levels as you gain skill and experience. In the course of your journey, you will be gaining new powers that are increased as your skill rating goes up. All the same, in terms of its features and quality, that is a ture stroy for this.WoW is far ahead of all other games of the genre the wow power leveling game undoubtedly is in a league of its own and cheapest wow gold playing it is another experience altogether.
Even though WoW is a wow gold cheap rather complicated game, the controls and interface are done in buy warhammer gold such a way that you don't feel the complexity. A good feature of the game is that it buy wow items does not put off people with lengthy manuals. The instructions cannot be simpler and the pop up tips can help you start playing the game World Of Warcraft Gold immediately. If on the other hand, you need a detailed manual, the instructions are there for you to access. Buy wow gold in this site,good for you ,WoW Gold, BUY WOW GOLD.