If you’re a woman – and who isn’t, deep down? – you may be interested to learn that you find Fred Thompson irresistible:
Lorrie Morgan predicted to the Sunday Times of London that Thompson will prove irresistible to women voters: "He's majestic. He's a soft, safe place to be, and that could be Fred's ticket. Women love a soft place to lay and a strong pair of hands to hold us."To me, he looks like Tor Johnson after a six-month bout of amoebic dysentery. On the other hand, he’s tall, he smells nice, and he’s on TV. Clearly, if anyone can save the GOP, it’s Thompson.
Or is it? Let’s consider some other possibilities:
Pros: Works cheap; no career conflicts.
Cons: People absolutely fucking hate him.
The Gorton’s Fisherman
Pros: Stays the course.
Cons: The intolerable stench of old seaman.
Pros: Appeared in westerns with John Wayne; looks a bit like Fred Thompson; cruel to animals, but in an entertaining and instructive way.
Cons: Dead and buried these 30 years.
Pros: Decisive; optimistic; has a strong Southern accent; it’d be fun to have a beer with him.
Cons: Licensing and branding issues.
These candidates all have their strengths, to be sure. But the fact is, it'd take two men - two very special men - to distract our nation's yearning womanhood from the extraordinary sexual magnetism of Fred Thompson.
Ladies and gentlemen - but especially ladies - I give you those two men.