Saturday, July 28, 2007

The Girls Can't Help It


If you’re a woman – and who isn’t, deep down? – you may be interested to learn that you find Fred Thompson irresistible:

Lorrie Morgan predicted to the Sunday Times of London that Thompson will prove irresistible to women voters: "He's majestic. He's a soft, safe place to be, and that could be Fred's ticket. Women love a soft place to lay and a strong pair of hands to hold us."
To me, he looks like Tor Johnson after a six-month bout of amoebic dysentery. On the other hand, he’s tall, he smells nice, and he’s on TV. Clearly, if anyone can save the GOP, it’s Thompson.

Or is it? Let’s consider some other possibilities:

Dennis Miller
Pros: Works cheap; no career conflicts.
Cons: People absolutely fucking hate him.







The Gorton’s Fisherman
Pros: Stays the course.
Cons: The intolerable stench of old seaman.








Andy Devine
Pros: Appeared in westerns with John Wayne; looks a bit like Fred Thompson; cruel to animals, but in an entertaining and instructive way.
Cons: Dead and buried these 30 years.








Foghorn Leghorn
Pros: Decisive; optimistic; has a strong Southern accent; it’d be fun to have a beer with him.
Cons: Licensing and branding issues.









Rockwell
Pros: African-American.
Cons: Black.





These candidates all have their strengths, to be sure. But the fact is, it'd take two men - two very special men - to distract our nation's yearning womanhood from the extraordinary sexual magnetism of Fred Thompson.

Ladies and gentlemen - but especially ladies - I give you those two men.

7 comments:

Nancy Willing said...

oy

double oy

MikeJ said...

Re the Gorton's Fisherman: Republicans don't like the idea of teaching kids to wear a raincoat. You should simply abstain from going to sea.
Why would you want to go to sea anyway? Eating fish would be too much like putting your mouth somewhere else with a sorta salty taste, and a real Republican man would be too afraid of teeth to go near that.

Virginia said...

I'll take Luke and Butch over Thompson any day.

Foghorn Leghorn is my second choice -- much sexier than ol' Fred, plus he has the added appeal of a genuine barnyard smell instead of Aqua Velva and cigars.

Phila said...

Republicans don't like the idea of teaching kids to wear a raincoat. You should simply abstain from going to sea.

Excellent point!

he has the added appeal of a genuine barnyard smell instead of Aqua Velva and cigars.

Further proof that real women love the cock.

Terry C - Wingnuts R WATBs said...

Take it from THIS woman: Fred Thompson turns me on about as much as Bush does, which is not at all.

I don't find fascism sexy.

dan mcenroe said...

Foghorn Leghorn also has experience dealing with chickenhawks.

t.s. said...

Berkeley Breathed is right there with you.