Getting Serious

All around the world, winter is drawing nigh. Earth shrouds herself in sables, and Jack Frost is nipping at noses from Vladivostok to South Sulawesi. Which makes you wonder: How can the planet be warming if there's snow in the American Midwest in October?

At least, that's what you wonder if you're Phil Brennan.

Okay. Let's get this straight once and for all: There is no such thing as global warming.

For the past decade, global temperatures have been falling....

To say nothing of the past week. While the world's climatologists toyed with orgone accumulators and daphnomancy, Brennan went out and did hisself some old-fashioned down-home honest-to-God research. For instance, he visited Ice Age Now -- a bleeding-edge climatology blog owned and operated by a former architect (and current bio-evolutionistic researchologist) named Robert W. Felix -- on the theory that it might offer some evidence against AGW.

His hunch paid off handsomely, because in less time than it takes you to say "ribulose-1,5-bisphosphate carboxylase oxygenase," he'd uncovered these shocking suppressed data:

It snowed during the past weekend as far south as Colorado....

Record-breaking 17 inches of snow in North Platte, NE — 10 Oct 09

In the past, early snows in Nebraska have always signified either a new Ice Age or God's judgment against lingerie boutiques in Omaha. This year is probably no exception, as any dispassionate observer must admit.

That's global warming? C'mon now, let's get serious.

Getting serious isn't just a matter of scolding climate scientists for their faulty grasp of climate science. It's also a matter of trusting in the tender mercies of Nature, which would never allow humanity to do itself any really serious injury.

Barack Obama and the warmist fools want to wreck our economy by actions designed to stop the planet from getting warmer and make it colder — a job Mother Nature herself is doing.

So there's no such thing as global warming, and in any case Mother Nature has stopped the globe from warming by arranging for an ice age. Surely this is the best of all possible worlds!

Or it would be, if it weren't for the warmists, who are interfering with this wholesome natural process by trying to "ban" carbon dioxide, even though it's a scientific fact that CO2 is already at the lowest level since the Primatene Epoch and if it falls much lower...well, I'll let Dr. Tim Ball explain:

CO2 is not a pollutant, but the most important gas because without it plants don't survive. No plants, no oxygen therefore no life at all. At 385 ppm it is at the lowest level in 600 million years and to reduce it puts the plants in jeopardy. At 250 ppm they weaken and begin to die. At 150 ppm most are dead.

Most plants dead! Is that really what you want? If not, I implore you to leave your lights burning 'round the clock, and take the longest possible route when you drive anywhere. Sure, it may cost you a little extra money in the short term, but future generations will thank you.

Don't go thinking Mother Nature can save the plants as easily as she reversed that recent warming trend, either. This is our fight, and we need to get busy. Ball says we should be aiming for about 1200 ppm; that's what commercial greenhouses favor, and they must be doing something right or they'd go out of business.

Although it's necessary to maintain four-digit levels of CO2 in greenhouses -- and by extension, in our atmosphere -- you can't really call CO2 a greenhouse gas. You also need to realize that our good earth is not encumbered by some sort of "greenhouse gas barrier" that traps heat, any more than Venus is. This barrier exists only in "rigged computer programs," which we know are unreliable because they contradict Brennan's assertion that global climate will cool for "at least 30 years." If we want really accurate predictions of decadal climate variation -- the kind you can set your goddamn watch by -- we need computer models that dispense with the greenhouse effect entirely.

That so-called "experts" need to be reminded of these basic principles by an amateur like Brennan is a staggering indictment of modern climatology.

In other news, America was discovered in 1942 by "some guy." And it isn't called America any more. It's Bonerland.