Highly Intelligent Wolves

John Hawkins huffs, and he puffs, and he blows down the straw house of the metrosexual male:

[A] real man should be able to shoot a gun, catch a fish, hunt, take and throw a punch, know what to do if a tornado or hurricane hits, cook a steak, jump-start a car, change a tire, drive a stick shift, give a firm handshake, read a map, handle a budget, swim, tie a tie, give a 5 minute speech, comfort someone who has just had a loved one die, negotiate a raise or a price on something he's going to buy, and tell a pushy salesman "no."

Damn straight. Just yesterday, I shinnied up a tree over Squaw Tit Lake, and shot a 9-pound carp with my trusty Luger P08. I dove in and got it, and while swimming to shore I saw this guy standing there waiting for me. No sooner do I give him a firm handshake than he says I'm trespassing and poaching. Well, I started to tell him a few things about individual rights and wise use. About five minutes in, he socked me on the jaw pretty hard. But I came back with a right hook and laid him out flat.

After jumpstarting the car by coasting downhill and popping the clutch, I saw a funnel cloud coming my way. But I took a quick look at the map, and figured out how to get around it OK. I got home in time to cook up a steak, put on my tie, and balance my checkbook before heading out to buy a new riding mower. I figured I deserved a reward for wringing a raise out of my boss.

I'd jewed the salesman down by $500, and was aiming to get the price even lower, when he starts whining about how times are tough since his son died, boo hoo hoo.

"Natural law makes no false judgments," I told him. "Its decisions are true and just, even when dreadful." He sighed, and seemed to shrink inside. "I can let you have it for five percent over cost," he said, finally. "Congratulations," I said, "you just talked yourself out of a sale."

I took little pleasure in all this, though, probably because feminism has robbed me of the simpering female audience my efforts deserved, and left me playing to an empty hall. If I'd been prancing around in pink Capezios, singing "The Nightmare Song" from Iolanthe, you know the bitches would've come running.

That said, there's more to being a Real Man than giving firm handshakes, scaling fish, and overawing Wal-Mart greeters. Here's Hawkins again:

Not everybody has the same religious beliefs or version of patriotism, but men should understand that standing up for God, country, and what's right is important because it sets a much needed example for others to follow.

I seem to detect an ambiguity here, if not an aporia...particularly when we problematize the historical givenness of the distinction between res gestae and historia rerum gestarum....

[slaps self back and forth across face, takes a shot of bourbon, pretends to have something in eye]

What I mean to say is, dang, that Hawkins fella tells it like it is, sure as shittin'. I always say you can believe whatever the hell you want, long as you set a good example by believing the right things. 'Cause if you don't, you ain't worth a bucket of warm spit, haw haw.

We human beings are born savages, not much different than highly intelligent wolves. It's only because we have been socialized, civilized, taught better, and bathed in the grace of God that we have the wherewithal to live together respectfully in a civilized society.

When you see a Real Man like Hawkins come out and speak the truth like this, in front of God and everybody, you can't help wondering why the Feminazis and the Atheists and the Commies and the Fags and the Dykes and the Hippies and the Muslims and the UCC and the Academics and the Gangbangers and the Blame-America-Firsters and the Liberation Theologists and the Eco-Freaks and the Postmodernists and the Liberals and the Welfare Queens and the Peaceniks and the Socialists and the Climate Cultists and the Latte Sippers and the Vegetarians and the ACLU and the EPA and the UN and the Surrender Monkeys and the Evolutionists and the One-Worlders and the Quakers and the Babykillers and the Democrat Party can't just shut up for once and listen to reason.

I swear, it's almost like there's something wrong with them.