An Assault on Guyhood

An op-ed writer named Daniel Clark has obligingly revealed the psychosexual dread at the root of climate denialism:

The latest point of emphasis in the global warming movement is that cattle farming endangers the planet by producing too much methane. So now, steaks and hamburgers are classified as instruments of destruction, along with large vehicles, lawn mowers, and charcoal grills. It can't be much longer before cowboy movies, cigars and hockey are held to be enemies of the earth as well.

This has got to be the most blatant assault on guyhood since ABC moved Coach to the same night as Roseanne, and turned Hayden Fox into Phil Donahue. It's a wonder that liberals don't cut to the chase, by simply claiming that global warming is caused by testosterone. Then, they could make public school nurses siphon the offending fluid from the boys during health class.

At first, it seems like lame comedy. After all, Clark couldn't seriously believe that his "manhood" is threatened by TV scheduling changes, could he?

Apparently, he could and does. Further, he believes that the environmentalists' brutal assault on his fragile masculinity stems from their worship of that hideous bitch goddess Nature:

Conveniently, it turns out that Gaia is a shrew, who demands that her men be reduced to henpecked, metrosexual noodles. Manliness makes Gaia angry, and we wouldn't like her when she's angry, because she'll turn into a green monster and start smashing everything to bits.

Needless to say, someone whose "manliness" relies on homoerotic crutches like cigars and cowboy movies has much bigger problems than Gaia-worshipping environmentalists, and these problems lead Clark to indulge himself in an orgy of commodity-fetishistic gender performativity that makes Judith Butler sound like St. Thomas Aquinas.

Why don't environmentalists ban styling gels and lattes, instead of steaks and riding mowers? Because styling gels and lattes are feminizing, natch. And the sad truth is, environmentalists are less interested in saving the earth than in tempting he-men like Clark to get pounded in the ass while dressed as a French maid.

Never mind that environmentalists haven't banned steaks, and have criticized the cosmetic and coffee industries. What matters here are Clark's feelings. Having wet his finger - by dipping it in water, not sucking it - and raised it forcefully in the prevailing cultural breeze, he understands that concern over climate change is part of a calculated assault on "guy stuff":

[T]he global warming movement seeks to repress guyhood in order to perpetuate itself. If a guy is shown a picture of a sad-looking polar bear adrift on an ice floe, his first thought will be something like, "I've heard that bear steaks are tough, but maybe if you marinated them in beer, they'd turn out all right." At that point, the alarmists' emotional ploy is foiled. In a world without guy stuff, however, his vacant mind may be invaded by irrationalities like, "Who will take care of the polar bears' children?"

What's "guy stuff," exactly? Well, it's...you know, guy stuff. Submarines, for instance...they're long and hard and full of seamen. Jackhammers. Oil rigs. Bottles of beer (especially when they're shaken up and sprayed all over your favorite tight end or wide receiver). Getting lost for hours in strange cities, instead of asking for directions like some goddamn sissy faggot who goes around having to ask people about stuff.

Clark's jocular tone can't quite drown out the dentist-drill whine of his sexual insecurity. As reality becomes ever more emasculating for conservatarian dead-enders, avoiding it becomes a moral duty on a par with avoiding the ballet. Their default response to the "emotionalism" of the feminist/liberal/environmentalist axis is to sentimentalize the products that signify masculinity, and finger their power tools as ecstatically as a Carmelite nun might finger her Rosary.

In the real world, of course, faggots, commies, and feminazis routinely enjoy steak and beer and ride power mowers. But in the proud, heaven-penetrating towers of Hard America, these sacraments are reserved for Authentic Men like Jonah Goldberg, whose contempt for those who speak publicly about "feelings" doesn't prevent them from chattering breathlessly about their giddy emotional response to cow butchering and oil drilling.

This is why mere facts and figures will never convince a certain type of denialist. To them, climate change is a fraud not because it's based on junk science, but because it's a "women's issue."