Our Watermelons Grow Big

If you're a teabagger -- and who isn't, deep down? -- WorldNetDaily has an offer you can't refuse:

For just $29.95 you can send an individualized notice to every member of Congress in the form of a "pink slip" with their name on it and your name on it.

WND informs us that more than five million of these pink slips have already been sent. Of course, that doesn't mean five million pink slips went out to each member of Congress (though I doubt they'd be upset if their slow-witted readers came to that conclusion). Five million is the (alleged) grand total, meaning that each congressperson would've gotten roughly ten thousand copies.

"It's an amazing feat, to get that many slips to Congress," [Rep. Steve] King told WND.

Rep. King is the man who revealed that illegal immigrants murder 12 Americans every single day, so you know you can trust his down-home, folksy brand o' figgerin'.

The slip itself is a little masterpiece of agitprop, comprising "four governmental plans that are unacceptable":

• government health care
• cap and trade
• "hate crimes"
• any more spending

No more spending! You have to admit, $29.95 is a small price to pay to baffle your representatives with an impossible, incoherent ultimatum that you'd soon come to regret if it were actually honored. It'd cost you well over a hundred dollars to troll each member of Congress yourself (to say nothing of the hours you'd have to spend in a Soviet-style line at the Post Office, wedged between an overweight welfare queen and an illegal immigrant with Morgellons disease).

The only thing that could possibly stop this populist juggernaut is a shortage of pink paper.

In the first week, suppliers of paper reported the campaign had completely tapped the nation's reserves of 8.5 x 11 inch pink paper. As the last full pallet of pink paper was delivered to the printer, new supplies had to be ordered and manufactured.

The funny thing is, WND has photos of the slips, and they're clearly much smaller than 8.5 x 11. I'd say you could probably get three on a single page, or maybe even five. But for the sake of argument, let's say you can only fit two. That'd require 2,500,000 sheets, which is 5,000 reams, or 500 bales. I'm not convinced that's going to make a huge dent in "the nation's reserves."

Once you put aside these minor quibbles, though, it's hard to argue with campaign organizer Janet Border's statement that "this is already the most successful grass-roots effort in history."

In other news, I'm happy to announce that Bouphonia had its one-billionth visitor today. According to my calculations, this makes it the most popular blog ever. Tonight, my 80 wives and I will be celebrating this milestone with several thousand drinks at more than a hundred of our favorite nightspots. If you happen to run into us, feel free to regard me from afar in an attitude of hushed reverence. Since I'm well over ten feet tall, with fists the size of Christmas hams, I tend to stand out in a crowd.

(Photo via the Wisconsin Historical Society.)