A Plea for Snowballing

Tomorrow, approximately 250 million outraged American patriots will attend Teabagging parties in order to protest Communifascist Monarchialism, just as the Founding Fathers did when they did that thing with the tea, way back whenever, and "set in motion a chain of events that birthed the greatest nation on earth."

Granted, this insurrection eventually led to the election of an illegitimate, minority president who forced the nation under the yoke of Socialism as punishment for the slave trade. But what are the odds it'll happen again? The next time we take our country back, we'll know better than to cede any ground to the Diversity Cult.

There's only one cloud on the horizon, and that's the cadre of Somali pirates that ACORN has (probably) smuggled across our porous border with the help of the Mexican Army, in hopes that committing acts of violent pro-taxation extremism will distract the nation from "President" Obama's phony birth certificate.

This aggression will not stand. Teabaggers aren't violent — unless they're angry about something — but they do know how to take care of themselves and their country. These foreign agitators will not be permitted to interfere with the process of moving America forward by taking it back to a time when people could still imagine a future in which Freedom will once again thrive like it could've if things had gone just a little bit differently at certain decisive moments in history.

One such moment was when James Monroe boldly vetoed the Cumberland Road Bill, and transferred responsibility for infrastructure to the states. Suggest today that this country needs a Monroe Transfer, and people will laugh in your face. Make no mistake: We have a long way to go.

Part of the problem is that it's so hard to believe these things are actually happening in America. It was bad enough when the Radical Left was simply trying to close secret prisons, criminalize torture, and stand in the way of warrantless wiretapping. But now, they're trying to rewrite the Constitution...in order to allow a return to Clinton-era tax levels. It may not look like a new Holocaust, on the surface. But remember: Hitler hated the Jews because they had all the money. Sound familiar?

I think we need to make this comparison even more obvious, so I suggest that all of us who make $250,000 or more per year, or would like to someday, should sew a green dollar sign prominently onto our clothes, in memory of the yellow star the Jews were forced to wear under National Socialism. At a time when the wealthy are being demonized as arrogant, out-of-touch, self-obsessed crybabies, this gesture will put a human face on the plight of the financially secure, and remind the public of what can happen when a brutal dictator starts persecuting a minority whose only crime is being thrifty and industrious.

I've already made up some dollar-sign patches, and am making them available for $29.99 each, or two for $50. No self-respecting Teabagger should be without one!

It's not all about the money (although it'd be OK if it was, of course). What matters most is that I believe this tactic will help the Teabagging movement to snowball, and I hope it will inspire likeminded patriots to come up with their own strategies for snowballing. One thing is certain: Teabagging without snowballing is doomed to peter out. But if we're all willing to snowball, we can look forward to a golden shower of success that will transform our movement from bottom to top.

UPDATE: Satire is pointless.