History Comes Alive

A while back, Victor Davis Hanson wrote a column in the voice of an imaginary 1940s newspaper editorialist who took FDR to task for botching World War II. This proved through some form of sympathetic magic that Bush hasn't been treated fairly by the Free Press. While the column was somewhat marred by Hanson's decision to date it several months after FDR's death, it was undoubtedly illustrative of something, and there was every reason to expect that his method would be taken up by other, and better, historicological discoverists.

Today, Paul Greenberg has improved on Hanson by rewriting the presidential candidates' questioning of General Petraeus so that it's all about fighting teh Nazis. The results will be illuminating to anyone with a brain the size of a pea:

General Eisenhower (Supreme Commander, Allied Expeditionary Force): "There has been significant but uneven security progress in the Ardennes. As of the end of December 1944, our casualties have been reduced substantially....The situation in certain areas is still unsatisfactory, and innumerable challenges remain. Moreover, as events in the past two weeks have reminded us, and as I have repeatedly cautioned, the progress made since last spring is fragile and reversible."

Senator John McCain, (R-Ariz.): "We're no longer staring into the abyss of defeat and we can now look ahead to the genuine prospect of success...I do not want to keep our troops in France a minute longer than necessary to secure our interests there. Our goal, my goal, is a France that no longer needs American troops. And I believe we can achieve that goal, perhaps sooner than many imagine."

For those of you who are keeping score, France was invaded and occupied by Germany, while Iraq was invaded and occupied by the United States. And France, once liberated, was not occupied by the Allies. But other than that, and a few other little details, spot on!

Next, let's see how Senator Hitlery KKKlintoon (C-Sodom) does at beating off the Nazis:

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY): "For the past four years, we have continually heard from the administration that things are getting better, that we're about to turn a corner, that there is finally a resolution in sight. Yet each time, our allies fail to deliver. I think it's time to begin an orderly process of withdrawing our troops, start rebuilding our military, and focusing on the challenges posed in the Pacific."

By December of 1944, Soviet troops had wiped out the German army at Stalingrad, and seized Romania and Slovakia. Canadian and British troops, meanwhile, had participated in D-Day, among other many other hard-won battles. The expense and loss of life involved in these victories was staggering; it's unclear, to say the least, which country Greenburg sees as making a remotely analogous sacrifice in Iraq, even if we pretend for the sake of argument that this is a war rather than a kleptocratic occupation.

Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.): "Nobody's asking for a precipitous withdrawal, but I do think that it has to be a measured but increased pressure, and a diplomatic surge that includes Germany. Because if France can tolerate as normal neighbor-to-neighbor relations with Germany, then we should be talking to them as well. I do not believe we're going to be able to stabilize the situation without them."

See how desperate matters are? We are now in December of 1944, just a few short months from the official end of the war, and Barack Hussein Obama wants to make diplomatic overtures to Germany, instead of withdrawing precipitously from...where, exactly?

Beats me, but it's clear enough that a vote for Obama is a vote for the Thousand-Year Reich. Facts don't lie.

Note that this ethereal silliness is the prime export of the people who take the war seriously...as opposed to the dirty fucking hippies who are still wondering what the definition of "victory in Iraq" might be, because they don't understand that minor details like these will be taken care of in due time by Our Steely Resolve.

It does take resolve to prevail in an epic clash of civilizations, granted, but it also takes resolve to nail your dick to a tree. Telling yourself that you're nailing it to the Tree of Liberty with the Hammer of Freedom is a logical way to proceed, but that may not be enough, in itself, to protect you from the equally logical consequences.

That said, I truly do admire Greenburg's method, so I'll leave you with this excerpt from the recent Democratic debate, retooled for clarity and ease of use:

GIBSON: And, Comrade Obama, I want to do one more question, which goes to the basic issue of your commitment to the practical revolutionary-creative struggle for world communism. And it is a question raised by a noble worker in the village of Verbka in the Khmelnitsky region of Ukraine, a woman by the name of Svetlana Petrenko. Take a look.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

S. PETRENKO, WORKER: Comrade Obama, I have a question, and I want to know if you believe in the Communist cause. I am not questioning your patriotism, but all our tractor drivers, harvesters and textile workers wear a Stalin pin. I want to know why you don't.

(END VIDEO CLIP)