Negotium Perambulans In Tenebris

What's that tattered heap lying upon these burning sands? Is it a mirage? A pile of old clothes? Or is it - God help us! - something that was once a man?

Steel yourselves for the worst, friends: It is Cliff Kincaid of Accuracy in Media, who washed ashore on this godforsaken land a fortnight ago, and crossed its wastes on scorched and bleeding feet to tell us of a fearful massacre he witnessed with his own eyes.

After a few choking sips of water from a goatskin bag, his ravaged throat and blackened tongue give utterance to a tale of Evil so weird, so appalling, as to make the most diabolical intrigues of Dr. Fu Manchu read like a press release from the Kiwanis Club.

The "fair and balanced" network that usually gives conservatives a fair shake was taken over by radical environmentalist Robert Kennedy Jr. and his liberal-left allies. Kennedy, a liberal lawyer and Democratic Party activist, became a "special correspondent" for an FNC special program on global warming that was so extreme as to be laughable....This was new territory for FNC, which is frequently accused of being a propaganda organ of the Republican Party.

Your eyes do not deceive you. Kincaid is claiming that because Kennedy appeared for one hour on the Fox News Channel, its ideological purity has been sullied, and it can no longer call itself "fair and balanced."

If you liked that inch, you've love this mile:

Kennedy, who had previously criticized Fox News and other "right-wing media" for misinforming the American people on critical public policy issues, has apparently changed his opinion.

Apparently so. It would've been far more consistent for Kennedy to denounce his own remarks as right-wing misinformation, by virtue of their presentation on Fox. Personally, I wouldn't trust myself to report my own name accurately while appearing on that network...that's how bad they are.

[T]he liberal-left managed to take over FNC, at least on a temporary basis, with the connivance of FNC chairman Roger Ailes, a long-time Republican.

"Temporary"? Let's not downplay the seriousness of this "hostile takeover" just because it only lasted an hour. Would it be a serious matter if a violent maniac broke into your house and held you and your family hostage for an hour, possibly even killing the family dog in front of your horrified children? Be honest, now.

As befits a pirate vessel, the liberal-left hoisted the skull-and-crossbones before launching its attack, announcing its intent to loot and scuttle the network, and give every man-jack the drink. This was a fearful sight, at which Kincaid understandably blanched:

A "disclaimer" was read before the show by a Fox News anchor justifying its slanted nature. She said, "Tonight we are presenting 'The Heat is On.' You'll hear primarily from those experts and citizens who believe that global warming is a crisis. Many people disagree with that statement. We will continue to investigate the science and hear from others in future Fox programming.

Kennedy was particularly ruthless; at one point, he even resorted to effete namecalling:

Kennedy was on FNC the day before the airing of the program to attack scientists who don't buy into his beliefs as "biostitutes." This smear was a clever play on the word "prostitute," suggesting that those opposing the Kennedy view have been paid off.

While I appreciate the tip on Kennedy's perfidy, I'm still not quite able to understand his exceedingly subtle play on words. Could you dumb it down a bit, Cliff?

Despite Kincaid's inability to understand the scientific consensus on climate change, and his unwillingness to admit that the ice floe upon which skeptics are marooned is melting, he still believes himself a fit arbiter of "rationality":

There has to be some rational explanation of what happened here. Did FNC chairman Ailes really find Al Gore persuasive? That's hard to believe. Or was putting on the program a clever strategy by Ailes? Did he realize that the environmentalists would make fools of themselves by going to extremes if he let them have the run of the network? The trouble with this theory, of course, is that the credibility of FNC was also damaged in the process.

This is no laughing matter. Fox could end up like the tiny desert town of Needles, California, which was forced to close down its zoo after the clam died.

We can all agree, I'm sure, that nothing screams "Accuracy in Media!" like a conspiracy-mongering paragraph full of blind quotes, and Kincaid uses this honorable strategy to excellent effect; he even puts a couple of his blind quotes in the passive voice, to create a truly impregnable fortress of ambiguity (don't try this at home, kids!):

Some observers think FNC turned its airtime over to Kennedy because he may be in a position to help or hurt them. It has been reported that Kennedy wants to run for high office in New York, where FNC parent News Corporation is based. FNC is said to be cozying up to New York Senator Hillary Clinton for the same reason.

Fair enough. Just as the nation that controls magnetism controls the universe, the politician that controls Manhattan controls Fox News. It's pikestaff-plain that Hillary has gotten to Ailes, possibly by injecting his truffle pâté with the heroin her husband peddles, or perhaps by offering him a nuit d'amour with herself and Rosie O'Donnell. Either way, the damage is done, and the only course of action left for the principled conservative is to shun Fox News Channel as a pestilence that walketh in darkness, and pin a last, forlorn hope on Pajamas Media.

As for Kincaid, poor devil...he was too far gone even for that. We left a service revolver in the sand before him, and went sadly on our way. It seemed the only Christian thing to do.